Mass Email - The Honeymoon is Over

Namaste all..

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks since my arrival in India and my stay at Ramana's Garden, and while I am still very much loving being in India and dealing with the day to day challenges, the honeymoon is definitely over.
I have only been to this one town in India (which is an amazing area that I still have yet to fully explore), but in dealing with the goings-on at the orphanage, the "Indian Way" is starting to become more of a clear picture to me. People in India live in total and complete chaos. There is no structure to anything, and if there seems to be, it is only a facade masking the chaotic underbelly. I have found this increasingly frustrating, particularly at the orphanage, since my reason for volunteering was to help the kids. The kids are absolutely remarkable. You forget that all of them have these haunting pasts that brought them to Ramana's....
....4 year olds whose parents were killed in a car accident, who were then left alone on the streets where they were beaten by other children and adults, causing them to lose an eye or a hand....8 year olds who held onto their mother's hand as she was being burned to death right in front of their eyes by their father who then shot himself in the head...9 year old child-prostitutes found raped almost to the point of death on a train and brought to Ramana's by a traveler...
It's mind-numbing to think about. And yet, these kids seem - at first glance - to be just the same as any other child living anywhere else in the world. They love to swing and play ball. They fight over toys and love to make bracelets and braid your hair. They laugh, they talk in class, they wet the bed, they cry when they stub their toe, and -like all children - all they want is to be loved.
However, there is a bigger picture to the orphanage that makes it so frustrating to deal with on a day to day basis. Prabha, the woman who started the orphanage, is quite an ordeal in her own right. She is, I'm guessing, in her late 50's. She was born in Colorado where she lived in a cave with her very poor mother until she ran away from home at a young age and fled to Hollywood. There she was a prostitute to support herself while she became, as she says "A well-known hollywood actress." (I've never heard of her). In the 60's, during the hippie craze where people fled to India to live in Ashrams, she came and studied under a guru named Ramana who gave her the name Prabha (which means light) and told her to go to the banks of Ganga (The Ganges) and to feed the children. Long story short, this was the origin of Ramana's Garden (or at least according to her), and she has been expanding this orphanage and school for almost 13 years. It's a triumphant story and cause, but it is very clear that spending 20 years living in India, 13 of which living in an orphanage with 60 orphans, has driven her a bit mad. She is extremely unpredictable, her emotions ranging from almost sedated and calm to terrifying and screaming at anyone or anything that crosses her path. SHe's very emotionally unstable, and not at all a positive figure in the lives of the children. She is very rarely at the orphanage, and when she is she is either screaming at the children or the volunteers or taking one of her many lovers (even though she is married - to an Indian man living in the states). She does not DO anything at the orphanage. The volunteers literally run the place entirely, and serve as the only emotional support for the kids, which is truly tragic since no volunteer has ever stayed longer than a year, most for only a couple months.
Yesterday, Prahba returned from one of her little vacations and was on a rampage. Her house had flooded during the rains, and I happened to be in her path when she noticed this. Immediately, she yelled at me "how could a grown adult such as yourself allow this to happen?!" I tried not to laugh at such a ridiculous question. I said "Prahba, I've never stepped foot inside your house (it's strictly off limits). How would I know that had happened?" to which she replied "I dont know but I want you to scrub up all the water in my bathroom (her pipes had burst and sewage was leaking everywhere) IMMEDIATELY!" I very politely (or at least as politely as I could manage) told her that I didn't pay $650 to scrub her bathroom, I came to help the kids, and walked away before I took it upon myself to hit her for being such a monster. Later that night one of the girls (the one who was a prostitute found on a train) had a seizure (a symptom of her Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder). We were upstairs calming her down, when Prahba storms in and yells at her, telling her to stop acting like such a dramatic child. She grabbed her by the arm and told her to stop faking it or she was going to be kicked out on the streets. It's maddening.

Even the teachers rely entirely - too much so - on the volunteers, and act a bit like children themselves at times. If they do not have something they need, they come to us asking for it, when they could simply go into the closet and take out the needed materials. But, if something is broken, such as a desk or a window, they leave it for months before one of the volunteers notices and fixes it.
I started my computer classes this week. I had met with all of the teachers last week to discuss a schedule that worked for them, and I had written out a schedule for each individual teacher telling them what times their classes had computers. Both yesterday and today no kids showed up, and i had to go into the classrooms to remind the teachers about Computer class.

So, I suppose the reality of this country is hitting me pretty hard. Like I said, I wouldnt want to be anywhere else, but it makes staying at the orphanage very difficult. I struggle with wanting to just leave and begin my travels, but thinking about the kids being here and dealing with this crap every single day of their lives makes me feel guilty and deeply saddened, and is literally the ONLY thing keeping me here. 3 of the other volunteers left today after Prahba's outburst last night. It was seriously the most disturbing thing I've seen in India so far. I came here with hope in my heart that such people existed that would sacrifice the comforts of western life to open an orphanage for these kids who need help more than anyone I've ever encountered, and to come here to see what a monster she is...or at least has become....is truly disheartening. I'm not sure what I will do, but I told myself I need to stick it out as long as I can bear. I feel obligated to fulfill this committment both for the children and for myself.

So, for those of you who pray, please pray for these kids. Pray for Prahba, that she may find a way to live that does not ruin everything she has built here, which has the potential to be something extraordinary in this country of madness. Pray that these kids remain on a straight path and get the kind of emotional support that they need to not only survive, but function as happy, healthy human beings. And those of you who do not pray, keep them in your hearts. They can use all the love they can get.

Namaste,
Cass