Journal Entry 9/4/06

I love it here - India...Rishikesh...Ramana's Garden...all of it. It's beautiful and peaceful ("shanti shanti" as they say here) and it's full of everything I came here looking for: natural beauty, culture, travelers, good people, spirituality, and a chance to help. Yet, for some reason I don't quite feel a part of it yet. it could just be a matter of time, and I hope that this is the case. I certainly feel more a part of Ramana's every day. But I feel as though nothing is enough in this short amount of time. 2 months at Ramana's is nothing in proportion to these kids' lives. 2 months is barely enough time to really get to know ONE person, let alone 70! And, at the same time, I don't feel I have anything adequate to give these kids. I chose this project because it was out of my comfort zone. Working with kids is something I've never done before. And while I do feel like I'm pushing myself and that this will be a good experience for ME, I feel selfish and guilty because I don't know if I have it in me to really make any impact - let alone difference - in these kids' lives. It makes me question myself and my strength of character and my worth a great deal, because there are people around me here whose hearts are in this 100%...people who give everything they have into this place and into the kids, and I can see them making a difference. This is their calling, without a doubt. And then there's me - me who knew going into this that this wasn't my calling, but chose it to push MYSELF. I feel so selfish because I talk about wanting to make a difference in the world - a REAL one - and here I am living with these 60 amazing kids, and I feel I have nothing to give...