"There are guides
who can show you the way.
Use them.
But they will not satisfy your longing.
Keep wanting the connection with presence
with all your pulsing energy.
The throbbing vein
will take you further
than any thinking.
Muhammed said, Do not theorize
about essence. All speculations
are just more layers of covering.
Human beings love coverings.
They think the designs on the curtains
are what is being concealed.
Observe the wonders as they occur around you.
Do not claim them. Feel the artistry
moving through, and be silent."
-Rumi
Monday, March 31, 2008
"All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies."
Without belittling the steadfast and solid people in my life who have consistently proven to be infallible friends and sources of support, I can honestly say that I am going through a very solitary phase in my life where the majority of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences go unshared. Strangely, it’s taken me this long to really grasp that this phase essentially began when I left Los Angeles and went to India by myself in the summer of 2006.
Prior to that, my life had been painfully stable, routine, safe, and entwined with the amazing people with whom I was lucky enough to be friends. Save the 9 months leading up to my departure (which were filled with non-stop partying and social indulgences), I had been in a 2 year relationship with the only partner with whom I’ve truly ever felt equally vulnerable and safe. My life with him was completely shared, for better or worse, and it was a beautiful time.
But by the time our relationship had (peacefully) ended and I was feeling the pangs of wanderlust and the lightness of no emotional attachments, my life was coming to a steady plateau, and I felt the desperate need for change, adventure, and new challenges. I needed to push myself in ways I had never been pushed before, and to seek out – among other things – my own limitations.
For reasons I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain or understand fully, I was called to go to India. So…I did. Without having any idea what to expect (and relishing in that fact), I put a couple of shirts, a pair of cotton pants, and 10 pounds of medical supplies in a backpack and hopped a plane to Delhi….
(see my posts from 2006 for intricate details)
…India was honestly one of the most challenging times in my life, and very little of it had anything to do with "India." Granted, traveling alone in a third-world country where "comfort" is a laughable fantasy, definitely had its qualms:
You are always dirty. Depending on where you are you are always either hot or cold. During the monsoon season, I was constantly wet, whether from sweat or rain that poured from the sky in a way I’ve never seen in my life. As a Westerner (and a woman), you are treated like a celebrity, but in all the worst ways. Men stare blatantly at you, and children chase you down the street in your rickshaw just to attempt to touch your hand. There are bugs unlike anything you've ever seen, save on the Discovery channel, and all of them bite. All of them. I was consistently covered from head to toe with mosquito bites. I got lice during a 10 day meditation course where I was not allowed to talk or interact with any other human beings. I was stung by a giant scorpion while at the orphanage (which the kids laughed off as if I had stubbed my toe). I got scabies and had to boil all of my clothes in pots (luckily there were 2 lovely women working at the guest house where I was staying who helped me and whom I befriended). I gained 20 pounds from lack of exercise and constant ingestion of foods cooked with ghee and whole-milk, and I felt slightly ill for most of the time I was there. But you know what...just like anything else in life....you adjust.
Aside from the menial day-to-day struggles, there was so much unbelievable and overwhelming beauty to be found on that trip. I met some amazing people along the way, many of whom have stayed in my life, and a few of which I remain closely entangled with (for better or worse). I lived with, cared for, and taught 120 Indian and Nepalese orphans who -to this day- are some of the strongest, most radiant and resilient humans I've ever met. They taught me so much, and left me feeling humbled like I never had before. In fact, the people of India in general are some of the most humbling to encounter. Even in the face of poverty beyond our comprehension, sickness and filth, and the reality that there is nothing else for them, they are some of the happiest, most contented peoples I’ve ever met. I collected some of the most dumbfounding sunsets. I watched the sunset every day for several weeks from atop a mountain in Dharamkot, at the base of the Himalayas. For 10 of those days, I watched it set in silence along side a family of monkeys who seemed to find that moment of every day just as necessary to witness as I did. I stood atop an ancient fort in the middle of the desert and watched the sun set over a sprawling Eastern metropolis. I laid down in the sand dunes and watched the sun set into the vast nothingness of the Rajasthan desert, and then caught an equally radiant "Purnima" (full-moon-rise) that same night while riding a camel through the moonlit desert. I awoke the next morning to see the sun rising from our camp in the desert, and watched it rise while sipping hot chai, beside my camel transport. I climbed a mountain in Pushkar with 4 Israeli friends to watch the sun set over the holy city, alongside a sadhu whose silence was contagious and whose presence made the experience even more profound. I watched the sun sink slowly into a deep red Indian Ocean from the 25th floor of an ashram in the middle of the Keralan backwaters, surrounded by nothing by palm trees and devotees.
But along with all the burdens and all the beauty that spiced my external experiences, the most profound and difficult part of the trip was that I was experiencing it all alone. Granted, I was fortunate to meet and travel with some truly astounding and colorful people, but they, too, were on their own journeys, and we were merely a presence of illusory safety and temporary companionship for one another along the way. Even though we were watching the same scenes unfold around us, we were all affected by them independently. Kind of like regular life…only amplified.
I brought with me the obligatory journal to write down whatever thoughts and experiences my mind could catch as they sped by. I also wrote epic emails home to friends and family to try to paint a picture of my encounters (a very small number of whom probably actually READ them), but these outlets were merely a filter to catch those thoughts and experiences that were actually capable of being put into words. Far more, however, sifted through the cracks and have been mulling about in my mind and my memory ever since. These…are mine alone.
In coming back from India in late winter of ’06, I felt like a child lost in a crowd who caught a glimpse of their parent through the abyss and ran, full-fledged, into their arms. I don’t even remember my flight home. All I remember was walking through customs with my backpack and seeing my dad waiting for me by the baggage claim.
There were no words.
I felt like I had been asleep for months, and was still blind and blurred by the sleep in my mind and my eyes. I remember walking into the kitchen at home and my mom asking (as she notoriously does) “can I get you something to eat?” I glanced around at all of the food…ALL of the food just sitting there in the pantry and cupboards and shelves and fridge…and all I could do was shake my head. I didn’t leave my house for 2 weeks, and I don’t think I unpacked my backpack for at least one. The idea of being responsible for more than what I could carry was a bit overwhelming, despite my usual tendency to not only HAVE a lot of shit, but to have it strewn about carelessly. I did all the things one would expect a person to do after returning from such a trip…I took baths, I ate all my favorite foods, I watched television, I did laundry after wearing a pair of jeans once just because I could. I played my guitar and I blasted all my favorite music on my stereo until I drove my brothers crazy.
But my mind was indisposed. My brothers and my parents loitered around waiting for stories. I gave them tidbits as they arose and if they were relevant, but I still don’t think to this day that I’ve ever sat down and told anyone about my trip in its entirety. There’s just no way. I eventually saw a couple friends as I felt ready to, and they would greet me with the anticipated “So…how was it?”
“It was…a lot of things.”
……………………….
It’s been about 15 months since I returned to Los Angeles. I have yet to say that I’ve fully settled back into any kind of stability or direction. To be completely honest, I have no idea if the reason for that has anything to do with India, as the trip itself was short in the grand scheme of things. At the same time, though, I can honestly say that I experienced more, and at a much more rapid pace, on that trip than I ever have during any substantial chunk of my life. The challenge and the exhilaration in traveling like that is that you are in a constant state of flux. You move from one city to the next, meet new people at every turn, leave others behind, and you never settle. You don’t attach. You keep going. And then you leave.
In a way, I feel like that’s how I have been living my life since I’ve returned. I’ve gone through several jobs, several lovers, and several groups of friends. Only here there is this undercurrent of constancy that is both stabilizing and mind-numbing.
It’s a lonely journey. While I feel I have seen some of the most amazing places, felt the weight of love along the way, and the lightness of sheer freedom, I have experienced all of these things as a traveler does…completely alone.
I’ve met people along the way, some of whom I’ve shared precious moments with, and others with whom I’ve shared a meal and light conversation and perhaps a bed for the night. But those shared moments are fleeting, impermanent.
I do have some shining lights, some solid pillars with whom I can unload my burdens and share my thoughts. But, in a way, it’s a lot like writing home. You can give as many details as your mind can muster. You can use descriptive language and even attach a photo or two if the internet is working. But it’s not the same as being there.
…………………..
The one profound “realization” that I returned with and feel able to articulate is this experiential understanding of…let’s call it “nonduality.” Perhaps it’s a residual affect of my 10 day Vipassana course in India, but I can honestly say that I know it to be true that there is no distinction between good and bad, pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy. They, along with every other experience humans are capable of, are all part of the same, ever-changing experience of human life. They are all equally valid, and equally necessary. It is our human attachment to the pleasure and joy (which we categorize as being “good”) and our aversion to the pain and sorrow (which we categorize as being “bad”) that causes us to suffer. Don’t get me wrong. I still suffer. But at least when I do, I now understand what that suffering really is.
Nothing ever stays the same. And it is only in allowing ourselves to accept this, and align our thoughts and actions with this simple (yet painfully elusive) reality, that we can truly be at peace with any and every experience.
I’m still working on it.
But what has perhaps been the most difficult adjustment for me to make in my re-emersion into Western (and in particular, Los Angeles) culture is that everyone seems to have this inclination to want to create distinctions. People put themselves and others into these categories, as if humans are only capable of embodying one set of standards. In LA, these categories are referred to as scenes, and to be a part of any of them you have to exist within a certain duality where you ARE this, and therefore are NOT that.
It is so counter-intuitive to the way things really are, and yet I struggle with it every day. I find myself thinking “if I do THIS or I wear THIS, then people will think I’m THIS way, but does that mean that I’m not THAT way also?” It drains me beyond belief.
Why can’t people be this AND that at the same time? Why would anyone want to limit themselves to only being one way, when in reality, there are no such things as “this” or “that?” THERE ARE NO DISTINCTIONS! We are all just humans, and as lame as cliché as that sounds, it is the harsh reality of the world. For some reason, it’s one of the most difficult things for people to do…to accept that –while we are, indeed, individuals, each on our own path – we are all going to the same place…whether you want to call it Heaven, Hell, or dirt, we’re all going there, and when you strip away these superficial skins that make us all look so fucking different and special….we’re all the same.
There is no “or.”
I get it though. It's so much easier to put things in safe little boxes where we can believe we understand them and therefore have control over them, and over ourselves. That's what humans are known for, really....what do you think Religion is? Or government? Or art?
………………….
To quote Kurt Vonnegut's reiteration of the self-created Fifty-third Calypso in the Book of Bokononism:
Oh, a sleeping drunkard
Up in Central Park,
And a lion-hunter
In the jungle dark,
And a Chinese dentist,
And a British queen--
All fit together
In the same machine.
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice--
So many different people
In the same device.
Prior to that, my life had been painfully stable, routine, safe, and entwined with the amazing people with whom I was lucky enough to be friends. Save the 9 months leading up to my departure (which were filled with non-stop partying and social indulgences), I had been in a 2 year relationship with the only partner with whom I’ve truly ever felt equally vulnerable and safe. My life with him was completely shared, for better or worse, and it was a beautiful time.
But by the time our relationship had (peacefully) ended and I was feeling the pangs of wanderlust and the lightness of no emotional attachments, my life was coming to a steady plateau, and I felt the desperate need for change, adventure, and new challenges. I needed to push myself in ways I had never been pushed before, and to seek out – among other things – my own limitations.
For reasons I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain or understand fully, I was called to go to India. So…I did. Without having any idea what to expect (and relishing in that fact), I put a couple of shirts, a pair of cotton pants, and 10 pounds of medical supplies in a backpack and hopped a plane to Delhi….
(see my posts from 2006 for intricate details)
…India was honestly one of the most challenging times in my life, and very little of it had anything to do with "India." Granted, traveling alone in a third-world country where "comfort" is a laughable fantasy, definitely had its qualms:
You are always dirty. Depending on where you are you are always either hot or cold. During the monsoon season, I was constantly wet, whether from sweat or rain that poured from the sky in a way I’ve never seen in my life. As a Westerner (and a woman), you are treated like a celebrity, but in all the worst ways. Men stare blatantly at you, and children chase you down the street in your rickshaw just to attempt to touch your hand. There are bugs unlike anything you've ever seen, save on the Discovery channel, and all of them bite. All of them. I was consistently covered from head to toe with mosquito bites. I got lice during a 10 day meditation course where I was not allowed to talk or interact with any other human beings. I was stung by a giant scorpion while at the orphanage (which the kids laughed off as if I had stubbed my toe). I got scabies and had to boil all of my clothes in pots (luckily there were 2 lovely women working at the guest house where I was staying who helped me and whom I befriended). I gained 20 pounds from lack of exercise and constant ingestion of foods cooked with ghee and whole-milk, and I felt slightly ill for most of the time I was there. But you know what...just like anything else in life....you adjust.
Aside from the menial day-to-day struggles, there was so much unbelievable and overwhelming beauty to be found on that trip. I met some amazing people along the way, many of whom have stayed in my life, and a few of which I remain closely entangled with (for better or worse). I lived with, cared for, and taught 120 Indian and Nepalese orphans who -to this day- are some of the strongest, most radiant and resilient humans I've ever met. They taught me so much, and left me feeling humbled like I never had before. In fact, the people of India in general are some of the most humbling to encounter. Even in the face of poverty beyond our comprehension, sickness and filth, and the reality that there is nothing else for them, they are some of the happiest, most contented peoples I’ve ever met. I collected some of the most dumbfounding sunsets. I watched the sunset every day for several weeks from atop a mountain in Dharamkot, at the base of the Himalayas. For 10 of those days, I watched it set in silence along side a family of monkeys who seemed to find that moment of every day just as necessary to witness as I did. I stood atop an ancient fort in the middle of the desert and watched the sun set over a sprawling Eastern metropolis. I laid down in the sand dunes and watched the sun set into the vast nothingness of the Rajasthan desert, and then caught an equally radiant "Purnima" (full-moon-rise) that same night while riding a camel through the moonlit desert. I awoke the next morning to see the sun rising from our camp in the desert, and watched it rise while sipping hot chai, beside my camel transport. I climbed a mountain in Pushkar with 4 Israeli friends to watch the sun set over the holy city, alongside a sadhu whose silence was contagious and whose presence made the experience even more profound. I watched the sun sink slowly into a deep red Indian Ocean from the 25th floor of an ashram in the middle of the Keralan backwaters, surrounded by nothing by palm trees and devotees.
But along with all the burdens and all the beauty that spiced my external experiences, the most profound and difficult part of the trip was that I was experiencing it all alone. Granted, I was fortunate to meet and travel with some truly astounding and colorful people, but they, too, were on their own journeys, and we were merely a presence of illusory safety and temporary companionship for one another along the way. Even though we were watching the same scenes unfold around us, we were all affected by them independently. Kind of like regular life…only amplified.
I brought with me the obligatory journal to write down whatever thoughts and experiences my mind could catch as they sped by. I also wrote epic emails home to friends and family to try to paint a picture of my encounters (a very small number of whom probably actually READ them), but these outlets were merely a filter to catch those thoughts and experiences that were actually capable of being put into words. Far more, however, sifted through the cracks and have been mulling about in my mind and my memory ever since. These…are mine alone.
In coming back from India in late winter of ’06, I felt like a child lost in a crowd who caught a glimpse of their parent through the abyss and ran, full-fledged, into their arms. I don’t even remember my flight home. All I remember was walking through customs with my backpack and seeing my dad waiting for me by the baggage claim.
There were no words.
I felt like I had been asleep for months, and was still blind and blurred by the sleep in my mind and my eyes. I remember walking into the kitchen at home and my mom asking (as she notoriously does) “can I get you something to eat?” I glanced around at all of the food…ALL of the food just sitting there in the pantry and cupboards and shelves and fridge…and all I could do was shake my head. I didn’t leave my house for 2 weeks, and I don’t think I unpacked my backpack for at least one. The idea of being responsible for more than what I could carry was a bit overwhelming, despite my usual tendency to not only HAVE a lot of shit, but to have it strewn about carelessly. I did all the things one would expect a person to do after returning from such a trip…I took baths, I ate all my favorite foods, I watched television, I did laundry after wearing a pair of jeans once just because I could. I played my guitar and I blasted all my favorite music on my stereo until I drove my brothers crazy.
But my mind was indisposed. My brothers and my parents loitered around waiting for stories. I gave them tidbits as they arose and if they were relevant, but I still don’t think to this day that I’ve ever sat down and told anyone about my trip in its entirety. There’s just no way. I eventually saw a couple friends as I felt ready to, and they would greet me with the anticipated “So…how was it?”
“It was…a lot of things.”
……………………….
It’s been about 15 months since I returned to Los Angeles. I have yet to say that I’ve fully settled back into any kind of stability or direction. To be completely honest, I have no idea if the reason for that has anything to do with India, as the trip itself was short in the grand scheme of things. At the same time, though, I can honestly say that I experienced more, and at a much more rapid pace, on that trip than I ever have during any substantial chunk of my life. The challenge and the exhilaration in traveling like that is that you are in a constant state of flux. You move from one city to the next, meet new people at every turn, leave others behind, and you never settle. You don’t attach. You keep going. And then you leave.
In a way, I feel like that’s how I have been living my life since I’ve returned. I’ve gone through several jobs, several lovers, and several groups of friends. Only here there is this undercurrent of constancy that is both stabilizing and mind-numbing.
It’s a lonely journey. While I feel I have seen some of the most amazing places, felt the weight of love along the way, and the lightness of sheer freedom, I have experienced all of these things as a traveler does…completely alone.
I’ve met people along the way, some of whom I’ve shared precious moments with, and others with whom I’ve shared a meal and light conversation and perhaps a bed for the night. But those shared moments are fleeting, impermanent.
I do have some shining lights, some solid pillars with whom I can unload my burdens and share my thoughts. But, in a way, it’s a lot like writing home. You can give as many details as your mind can muster. You can use descriptive language and even attach a photo or two if the internet is working. But it’s not the same as being there.
…………………..
The one profound “realization” that I returned with and feel able to articulate is this experiential understanding of…let’s call it “nonduality.” Perhaps it’s a residual affect of my 10 day Vipassana course in India, but I can honestly say that I know it to be true that there is no distinction between good and bad, pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy. They, along with every other experience humans are capable of, are all part of the same, ever-changing experience of human life. They are all equally valid, and equally necessary. It is our human attachment to the pleasure and joy (which we categorize as being “good”) and our aversion to the pain and sorrow (which we categorize as being “bad”) that causes us to suffer. Don’t get me wrong. I still suffer. But at least when I do, I now understand what that suffering really is.
Nothing ever stays the same. And it is only in allowing ourselves to accept this, and align our thoughts and actions with this simple (yet painfully elusive) reality, that we can truly be at peace with any and every experience.
I’m still working on it.
But what has perhaps been the most difficult adjustment for me to make in my re-emersion into Western (and in particular, Los Angeles) culture is that everyone seems to have this inclination to want to create distinctions. People put themselves and others into these categories, as if humans are only capable of embodying one set of standards. In LA, these categories are referred to as scenes, and to be a part of any of them you have to exist within a certain duality where you ARE this, and therefore are NOT that.
It is so counter-intuitive to the way things really are, and yet I struggle with it every day. I find myself thinking “if I do THIS or I wear THIS, then people will think I’m THIS way, but does that mean that I’m not THAT way also?” It drains me beyond belief.
Why can’t people be this AND that at the same time? Why would anyone want to limit themselves to only being one way, when in reality, there are no such things as “this” or “that?” THERE ARE NO DISTINCTIONS! We are all just humans, and as lame as cliché as that sounds, it is the harsh reality of the world. For some reason, it’s one of the most difficult things for people to do…to accept that –while we are, indeed, individuals, each on our own path – we are all going to the same place…whether you want to call it Heaven, Hell, or dirt, we’re all going there, and when you strip away these superficial skins that make us all look so fucking different and special….we’re all the same.
There is no “or.”
I get it though. It's so much easier to put things in safe little boxes where we can believe we understand them and therefore have control over them, and over ourselves. That's what humans are known for, really....what do you think Religion is? Or government? Or art?
………………….
To quote Kurt Vonnegut's reiteration of the self-created Fifty-third Calypso in the Book of Bokononism:
Oh, a sleeping drunkard
Up in Central Park,
And a lion-hunter
In the jungle dark,
And a Chinese dentist,
And a British queen--
All fit together
In the same machine.
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice--
So many different people
In the same device.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Help Save Tibet!
We're closing in on our goal of 1 million signatures and the largest global online petition in history - click below to join the global outcry, and then forward this email to friends and family right away:Â
http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/39.php?cl=65923589Â
The global outcry over Tibet is rising fast - In just 5 days, 751,472 of us from 192 countries have come together to call for restraint and dialogue with the Dalai Lama. Even more amazing, we have told over 5 million of our friends about this important campaign - that's 1 million people per day!Â
After decades of repression, the Tibetan people are crying out to the world for change. The spotlight of the upcoming Olympic Games is now on China, and Tibetan Nobel peace prize winner the Dalai Lama is calling to end all riots and violence through restraint and dialogue--he urgently needs the support of the world's people.Â
China's hardliners are lashing out publicly at the Dalai Lama--but we're told that President Hu Jintao may believe dialogue is the best hope for stability in Tibet. China's leadership is right now considering a crucial choice between repression and dialogue that could determine Tibet's--and China's--future.Â
We can affect this historic choice – for President Hu, China's global reputation matters. He needs to hear from us that the 'Made in China' brand and the upcoming Olympics in Beijing will succeed only if he chooses dialogue over the hardliners' repression. An avalanche of global people power is moving to get his attention.
China's economy is dependent on "Made in China" exports that we all buy, and the government is keen to make the Olympics in Beijing this summer a celebration of a new and respected China.China is also a sprawling, diverse country with much brutality in its past, so it has good reasons to be concerned about stability -- some of Tibet's rioters killed innocent people. But President Hu must recognize that the greatest danger to Chinese stability and development today comes from hardliners who advocate escalating repression, not from those Tibetans seeking dialogue and reform.Â
We will deliver our petition directly to Chinese officials in New York, London and Beijing, but it we must reach our goal of 1 million signatures first. Please forward this email to your address book with a note explaining to your friends why this is important, or use our tell-a-friend tool to email your address book--it will come up after you sign.Â
The Tibetan people have suffered quietly for decades. It is finally their moment to speak--we must help them be heard.Â
Sign the Petition!
Thanks!!
http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/39.php?cl=65923589Â
The global outcry over Tibet is rising fast - In just 5 days, 751,472 of us from 192 countries have come together to call for restraint and dialogue with the Dalai Lama. Even more amazing, we have told over 5 million of our friends about this important campaign - that's 1 million people per day!Â
After decades of repression, the Tibetan people are crying out to the world for change. The spotlight of the upcoming Olympic Games is now on China, and Tibetan Nobel peace prize winner the Dalai Lama is calling to end all riots and violence through restraint and dialogue--he urgently needs the support of the world's people.Â
China's hardliners are lashing out publicly at the Dalai Lama--but we're told that President Hu Jintao may believe dialogue is the best hope for stability in Tibet. China's leadership is right now considering a crucial choice between repression and dialogue that could determine Tibet's--and China's--future.Â
We can affect this historic choice – for President Hu, China's global reputation matters. He needs to hear from us that the 'Made in China' brand and the upcoming Olympics in Beijing will succeed only if he chooses dialogue over the hardliners' repression. An avalanche of global people power is moving to get his attention.
China's economy is dependent on "Made in China" exports that we all buy, and the government is keen to make the Olympics in Beijing this summer a celebration of a new and respected China.China is also a sprawling, diverse country with much brutality in its past, so it has good reasons to be concerned about stability -- some of Tibet's rioters killed innocent people. But President Hu must recognize that the greatest danger to Chinese stability and development today comes from hardliners who advocate escalating repression, not from those Tibetans seeking dialogue and reform.Â
We will deliver our petition directly to Chinese officials in New York, London and Beijing, but it we must reach our goal of 1 million signatures first. Please forward this email to your address book with a note explaining to your friends why this is important, or use our tell-a-friend tool to email your address book--it will come up after you sign.Â
The Tibetan people have suffered quietly for decades. It is finally their moment to speak--we must help them be heard.Â
Sign the Petition!
Thanks!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Cassie is...
Cassie is beginning to think in the third person thanks to far too much exposure to Facebook.
Cassie is perpetually disappointed in men and her own inability to make good judgments with them. (Cassie takes full responsibility for this, and recognizes that there are exceptions when love is involved...you know who you are).
Cassie is excited about her new Holga camera, and is hoping the 5 rolls of film she has shot over the last several days actually turn out.
Cassie is not on a healthy sleeping schedule.
Cassie is ready for some major changes all-around.
Cassie is feeling both smothered and isolated.
Cassie is most definitely ready for college to be over.
Cassie is starting to gain momentum with music writing.
Cassie is broke as a joke. (Cassie is strangely ok with this).
Cassie is happy about her impending tax return!
Cassie is taking it one day at a time.
Cassie is hoping that people reading this blog for the first time don't base their judgements on this particular entry.
Cassie is tired, delirious and going to bed.
Cassie is perpetually disappointed in men and her own inability to make good judgments with them. (Cassie takes full responsibility for this, and recognizes that there are exceptions when love is involved...you know who you are).
Cassie is excited about her new Holga camera, and is hoping the 5 rolls of film she has shot over the last several days actually turn out.
Cassie is not on a healthy sleeping schedule.
Cassie is ready for some major changes all-around.
Cassie is feeling both smothered and isolated.
Cassie is most definitely ready for college to be over.
Cassie is starting to gain momentum with music writing.
Cassie is broke as a joke. (Cassie is strangely ok with this).
Cassie is happy about her impending tax return!
Cassie is taking it one day at a time.
Cassie is hoping that people reading this blog for the first time don't base their judgements on this particular entry.
Cassie is tired, delirious and going to bed.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
One from the archives...
A post from one of my previous blogs - June 2006
I couldn't have said it better, myself...
"Western culture is still relatively uncivilized, focused on the external conquest of other civilizations, violence, war, imperialism, and a rampant need for material possession and self-aggrandizement. Contrary to its inflated self-image, it is NOT the most advanced culture the world has yet seen. Its very developed material technology is, in fact, put to childish uses of violent destruction and thoughtless consumption. Its worst problem is its foundational confusion, which leads those of us under its thrall to feel disconnected from nature. Hence we tend do be not responsible for the consequences of our actions, and distract ourselves from the extreme danger of destroying everything in our path by the irrational promise of either a blissful salvation by an absolutely disconnected omnipotent "God" or else a blissful oblivion.
Hence our babarous culture - I do not call it a "civilization" - poses the ultimate threat to planetary life, to all the human beings of other more ancient and better balanced cultures, all other life forms, and the eco-system itself. We are deploying the five horsemen of our imminent man-made apocolypse; population explosion, epidemic disease, unlivable pollution, resource depletion, and wars of mass destruction. The urgent need, therefore, is for we bearers of this imbalanced, disconnected culture to rediscover our interconnection with the rest of life, our infinite responsibility to ourselves and all other living beings, the extreme negative danger of our continuing on the path of destruction and consumption, and the positive potential for us to find a reliable happiness within our own souls, to conquer our own inner negative habits, and to cultivate our infinite capacity for love and joy."
-Robert A. F. Thurman (The Way of the White Clouds)
In other words: "Pull your heads out of your sheltered, ignorant, American asses and wake up to the reality that (a) WE are responsible for the impending demise of this planet, (b) we don't know shit about truth, justice, freedom, or what's right and wrong, and (c) we should probably do something about it.
*steps off soapbox*
:)
I couldn't have said it better, myself...
"Western culture is still relatively uncivilized, focused on the external conquest of other civilizations, violence, war, imperialism, and a rampant need for material possession and self-aggrandizement. Contrary to its inflated self-image, it is NOT the most advanced culture the world has yet seen. Its very developed material technology is, in fact, put to childish uses of violent destruction and thoughtless consumption. Its worst problem is its foundational confusion, which leads those of us under its thrall to feel disconnected from nature. Hence we tend do be not responsible for the consequences of our actions, and distract ourselves from the extreme danger of destroying everything in our path by the irrational promise of either a blissful salvation by an absolutely disconnected omnipotent "God" or else a blissful oblivion.
Hence our babarous culture - I do not call it a "civilization" - poses the ultimate threat to planetary life, to all the human beings of other more ancient and better balanced cultures, all other life forms, and the eco-system itself. We are deploying the five horsemen of our imminent man-made apocolypse; population explosion, epidemic disease, unlivable pollution, resource depletion, and wars of mass destruction. The urgent need, therefore, is for we bearers of this imbalanced, disconnected culture to rediscover our interconnection with the rest of life, our infinite responsibility to ourselves and all other living beings, the extreme negative danger of our continuing on the path of destruction and consumption, and the positive potential for us to find a reliable happiness within our own souls, to conquer our own inner negative habits, and to cultivate our infinite capacity for love and joy."
-Robert A. F. Thurman (The Way of the White Clouds)
In other words: "Pull your heads out of your sheltered, ignorant, American asses and wake up to the reality that (a) WE are responsible for the impending demise of this planet, (b) we don't know shit about truth, justice, freedom, or what's right and wrong, and (c) we should probably do something about it.
*steps off soapbox*
:)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Still Dreaming Through the Comedown
"Oh Josephine" - by the Black Crowes
Diamonds hold mirrors
And spoon it holds the stars
It's been a long time baby
Since I've seen the sun rise like this
Make a wish and call it maybe
And give me one more kiss
Oh, I like it like this
I like it like this
Oh Josephine
You're dressed in black
Oh Josephine
Your eyes are blue
And I know now
There's no turning back
Oh Josephine
What will we do?
Still dreaming through the come down
Still filling every page
Come on and touch me baby
Before I turn to rust
No there aint no other
It's not a matter of trust
It's just sometimes love ain't enough
No, love ain't enough
Oh Josephine
You're dressed in black
Oh Josephine
Your eyes are blue
And I know now
There's no turning back
Oh Josephine
What will we do?
For a while I was kneeling in tears and powders
For a spell I was strung out beyond my means
Well I lost that love while climbing down the ladder
Just looking for the song to set me free
No waiting for redemption
No leaving love behind
You've got to know where you wanna be
It gets cold outside
It's too late to play it safe
So let's let it all ride
Let's let it all ride
Diamonds hold mirrors
And spoon it holds the stars
It's been a long time baby
Since I've seen the sun rise like this
Make a wish and call it maybe
And give me one more kiss
Oh, I like it like this
I like it like this
Oh Josephine
You're dressed in black
Oh Josephine
Your eyes are blue
And I know now
There's no turning back
Oh Josephine
What will we do?
Still dreaming through the come down
Still filling every page
Come on and touch me baby
Before I turn to rust
No there aint no other
It's not a matter of trust
It's just sometimes love ain't enough
No, love ain't enough
Oh Josephine
You're dressed in black
Oh Josephine
Your eyes are blue
And I know now
There's no turning back
Oh Josephine
What will we do?
For a while I was kneeling in tears and powders
For a spell I was strung out beyond my means
Well I lost that love while climbing down the ladder
Just looking for the song to set me free
No waiting for redemption
No leaving love behind
You've got to know where you wanna be
It gets cold outside
It's too late to play it safe
So let's let it all ride
Let's let it all ride
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Day on the Bay
Some shots from a day of kayaking on the Bay with my brother...reminds me why I come home as often as I do.
Ha!
"No universally accepted definition of 'democracy' exists, especially with regard to the elements in a society which are required for it."
-Wikipedia (Democracy)
-Wikipedia (Democracy)
Black & White?
Ok...so I guess it was bound to happen eventually. For the first time in our Nations brief but potent history we are knee-deep in an election that spotlights a woman and an African American man as our two pillars of hope for some semblance of change. I dont think I'm alone in my belief that our ONLY pillar of hope for real change in the country is Barack Obama. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see a woman in the White House just as much as the next chick, but I firmly believe that Hillary is not our best bet. She is a politician through and through, drenched and dripping with twenty-some-odd years of "experience" that in my mind translates to the jaded corruption that has unfortunately become synonymous with politics. If there were ever a time in America's history to pull ourselves out of the muck and mire of the Fraternity of previous leaders (ie the Bush-Clinton lineage) this is most definitely that moment.
So here we are, teetering on the brink of progress, with a candidate who continues to inspire and spark a small flame of hope that this year's election wont leave us in the tears of defeat that streamed down my face as I watched the final election results of 2004. Literally. Tears.
While the road down every election inevitably yeilds competitive bumps along the way, I have been pleasantly surprised at the humbleness, charisma and confidence with with Barack Obama has addressed the bumps that have come up. And I suppose it was inevitable that the issue of race would rear its ugly, but very real, head during this campaign.
Obama's former minister, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, spoke bluntly and passionately of racial division in America, honing in on the struggles and hinderances that a black man like Obama would face in his candidacy due to active American racism, and striking out against Clinton as a priveledged "rich, white," and precious politician. He made a pungent statement when he said "Hillary Clinton has never been called a 'Nigger.'" Yikes. Furthermore, he claimed that Clinton has a better chance at winning the candidacy than Obama solely because she is white.
Despite his role in Obama's campaign, not to mention his "family-like" ties with the Obama family, Barack Obama cut him from the campaign and humbly addressed the Reverand's comments today in Philadelphia. Rather than turning the "firestorm" (as he called it) into a heated outrage of racial defense, Obama casually but sternly recognized that race is, indeed, an issue...BUT, he quickly pushed through what could have been a major political roadblock and pointed out that the REAL issue to be recognized in Rev. Wright's comments is the potential for such a perspective to further divide our nation, and to magnify an issue that, while relevent in its own right, draws the attention away from other issues that America faces as a WHOLE, such as healthcare, the environmental crisis, the War in Iraq, etc.
I remember back in 7th grade when I was running for Student Council president. I remember talking to my mom about my "platform," and having her feed me advice that, to me, was only relevent to how I could improve school lunches and student body assemblies. She told me "the difference between a good leader and a bad leader is that a good leader will make decisions that are better for the whole, even if it may put them in a disadvantage. A bad leader makes choices that benefit himself alone, ignoring the well-being of the whole."
This, I believe, is one of the supreme qualifications of Barack Obama to turn this country around. We have become so conditioned to a leader who acts only out of his own self-interest (whether it be his relationship to oil in the Middle East, or chasing after the man who hurt his daddy's pride in the Gulf War), and we have pathetically accepted the fact that any decision made by Bush is likely to benefit Bush and hurt America. But Barack Obama has proven thus far to follow a different path, with different motivations that, frighteningly, have become foreign to us as a nation of "we the people:" to actually act out of the best interest for the whole, rather than the individual. Rather than dwell on the issue of race, which he could potentially use as a pity card or a platform from which to spring bouts of civil rights preachings, he has respectfully addressed that racism (of any kind) is nothing but a dividing force that will widen the already increasing gap among the American people, and points us toward the horizon of actively addressing pressing issues that will influence us as a nation of individuals, united.
To check out the video footage of his speech, click here:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/18/obama.speech/index.html#cnnSTCVideo
So here we are, teetering on the brink of progress, with a candidate who continues to inspire and spark a small flame of hope that this year's election wont leave us in the tears of defeat that streamed down my face as I watched the final election results of 2004. Literally. Tears.
While the road down every election inevitably yeilds competitive bumps along the way, I have been pleasantly surprised at the humbleness, charisma and confidence with with Barack Obama has addressed the bumps that have come up. And I suppose it was inevitable that the issue of race would rear its ugly, but very real, head during this campaign.
Obama's former minister, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, spoke bluntly and passionately of racial division in America, honing in on the struggles and hinderances that a black man like Obama would face in his candidacy due to active American racism, and striking out against Clinton as a priveledged "rich, white," and precious politician. He made a pungent statement when he said "Hillary Clinton has never been called a 'Nigger.'" Yikes. Furthermore, he claimed that Clinton has a better chance at winning the candidacy than Obama solely because she is white.
Despite his role in Obama's campaign, not to mention his "family-like" ties with the Obama family, Barack Obama cut him from the campaign and humbly addressed the Reverand's comments today in Philadelphia. Rather than turning the "firestorm" (as he called it) into a heated outrage of racial defense, Obama casually but sternly recognized that race is, indeed, an issue...BUT, he quickly pushed through what could have been a major political roadblock and pointed out that the REAL issue to be recognized in Rev. Wright's comments is the potential for such a perspective to further divide our nation, and to magnify an issue that, while relevent in its own right, draws the attention away from other issues that America faces as a WHOLE, such as healthcare, the environmental crisis, the War in Iraq, etc.
I remember back in 7th grade when I was running for Student Council president. I remember talking to my mom about my "platform," and having her feed me advice that, to me, was only relevent to how I could improve school lunches and student body assemblies. She told me "the difference between a good leader and a bad leader is that a good leader will make decisions that are better for the whole, even if it may put them in a disadvantage. A bad leader makes choices that benefit himself alone, ignoring the well-being of the whole."
This, I believe, is one of the supreme qualifications of Barack Obama to turn this country around. We have become so conditioned to a leader who acts only out of his own self-interest (whether it be his relationship to oil in the Middle East, or chasing after the man who hurt his daddy's pride in the Gulf War), and we have pathetically accepted the fact that any decision made by Bush is likely to benefit Bush and hurt America. But Barack Obama has proven thus far to follow a different path, with different motivations that, frighteningly, have become foreign to us as a nation of "we the people:" to actually act out of the best interest for the whole, rather than the individual. Rather than dwell on the issue of race, which he could potentially use as a pity card or a platform from which to spring bouts of civil rights preachings, he has respectfully addressed that racism (of any kind) is nothing but a dividing force that will widen the already increasing gap among the American people, and points us toward the horizon of actively addressing pressing issues that will influence us as a nation of individuals, united.
To check out the video footage of his speech, click here:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/18/obama.speech/index.html#cnnSTCVideo
Packin' it all up...
I've packed it all up and climbed back into my head.
I'm back in that place where no one knows what goes on in my head. This is in part because no one asks, and in part because I dont offer it up. I'm home, surrounded by family and friends who care, who ask, who poke and prod, and who draw me out into the world for brief periods of discussions, but all I can think about is how I want nothing more than to be locked away in my room and left to my own devices.
I'm incapable of giving much to anyone right now...even if a part of me wants to. It's a lonely but strangely indugent feeling, accompanied by a pang of sadness that I know all too well. I have so much stirring about, that the only instinct I have is to produce something...create something...to regergitate everything mulling around inside. It's not just a desire, but an intrinsic need. Like eating when hungry, drinking when thirsty, and sleeping when tired.
I feel like no one really knows me. Part of that tortures me, while I relish in it at the same time.
Crazy?
I'm back in that place where no one knows what goes on in my head. This is in part because no one asks, and in part because I dont offer it up. I'm home, surrounded by family and friends who care, who ask, who poke and prod, and who draw me out into the world for brief periods of discussions, but all I can think about is how I want nothing more than to be locked away in my room and left to my own devices.
I'm incapable of giving much to anyone right now...even if a part of me wants to. It's a lonely but strangely indugent feeling, accompanied by a pang of sadness that I know all too well. I have so much stirring about, that the only instinct I have is to produce something...create something...to regergitate everything mulling around inside. It's not just a desire, but an intrinsic need. Like eating when hungry, drinking when thirsty, and sleeping when tired.
I feel like no one really knows me. Part of that tortures me, while I relish in it at the same time.
Crazy?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Reality Check
...all of those seemingly glorified ideals aside, I believe that there is just as much "truth" in the fumbling about of everyday human experience. In fact, most of the human experience...or at least my own...is rooted in perpetual fumbling. One could even argue that those who lock themselves up in a box with their values, opinions and ideals set in stone, and who avoid "mistakes" at all costs and refuse to experience anything that might pierce their safety bubble are actually farther away from "truth" than those who choose to experience any and everything and write off painful experiences as "learning opportunities."
I'm starting to feel a bit lost in the alley of these two towering lifestyles. I've always considered myself to be the latter, but I'm starting to realize that my pre and post-adolescent lifestyle of experimentation, indulgence, and melancholic exploration has now turned me into a somewhat numb, overly-cautious and...dare I say...cynical person. I think I may have gone about things backwards...
Perhaps the pains of my early childhood led me to seek these heightened experiences of drugs, angry and rebellious actings-out, toxic/abusive relationships, and everything that seemed to come as a result of all-of-the-above at an earlier age than most. I vaguely remember a momentary lapse of what seemed to be clarity at age 16 while dancing at a giant warehouse in the middle of Downtown Oakland (Home Base, for you Bay Area kids) at 3am, surrounded by 30,000 people who were on just as many (if not far more) hits of X as I was, while making out and profusely rubbing (in that way that people do while rolling on X) a guy who would shortly thereafter get me pregnant....I remember thinking ever so briefly: "this is not going to make anything in my life better."
Needless to say, countless weekends of dropping pills with various concoctions of chemicals and hallucinogens, sleeping with a douchebag guy who I never even liked to begin with, and dancing to trance music didn't really get me anywhere other than depressed, cracked out, freakishly skinny, knocked up and an "F" in Algebra. But who's to say that having that experience...or more importantly, coming through it alive and intact...didn't contribute to my overall awareness of my own truth?
In fact, having various experiences such as this one (and those that caused me to indulge in such a way) are what have led me to dig deeper, to pull myself out of the proverbial hole I have dug, and come out on top all the wiser...if not moreso. I pride myself on the things I've experienced...those that were painful and destructive just as much as those that were healing and constructive. That is the basis for my "spirituality" I guess...seeing all of the things we experience as being one in the same...part of the same journey and equally valid.
I have to say, though, that the past year or two have been quite isolating for me because of where I stand in my process right now. The crazy thing about life is that we really do go through it alone. Most of us are lucky enough to have solid people join us at various points along the way, but for those of us to choose to venture off on our own at any point will inevitably face the reality that -eventually- the people who are in our lives (even those who are particularly close to us) will never really know us in our entirety. If we leave home, then we are fated to love and share our lives with people who didn't know us when...
It's a strange feeling.
I am an only child, so growing up I didn't have siblings to commiserate with or lean on or learn from. I consider it a gift in many ways because I feel that my forced independence has taught me to depend on myself to get through whatever life feeds me. But the people who have come into my life in the past couple of years have gotten to know a very fragmented version of me...and it can feel a bit isolating. I often feel very misunderstood.
This notion struck me suddenly several days ago when a guy who I was fortunate enough to have in my bed and in my company every so briefly, told me that he had seen me as being very innocent. Maybe some girls would smirk and swoon and feel a sense of contentment at hearing this, but it made me feel slighted, insulted, and so very alone. Needless to say, the guy wouldn't have anything on which to base his knowledge of my past, but it made me feel like I needed to justify my life experiences with a long-winded run down of the past 25 years.
I didnt subject him to it, but it left me feeling a bit hollow.
It's strange to have come out of so many years of pain and destruction...gone through an intense process of working through it all...found some peace of mind....and then be seen as being innocent, as if I had never experienced all of the things that led me to become more "together," more "mature," and more cautious.
But who do you choose to explain yourself to? Who do you choose to tell your story to so that they may better understand and appreciate you as a complete person and not just someone who has only been alive for the short period of time during which they've been in your world?
...the ones who ask, i guess.
I'm starting to feel a bit lost in the alley of these two towering lifestyles. I've always considered myself to be the latter, but I'm starting to realize that my pre and post-adolescent lifestyle of experimentation, indulgence, and melancholic exploration has now turned me into a somewhat numb, overly-cautious and...dare I say...cynical person. I think I may have gone about things backwards...
Perhaps the pains of my early childhood led me to seek these heightened experiences of drugs, angry and rebellious actings-out, toxic/abusive relationships, and everything that seemed to come as a result of all-of-the-above at an earlier age than most. I vaguely remember a momentary lapse of what seemed to be clarity at age 16 while dancing at a giant warehouse in the middle of Downtown Oakland (Home Base, for you Bay Area kids) at 3am, surrounded by 30,000 people who were on just as many (if not far more) hits of X as I was, while making out and profusely rubbing (in that way that people do while rolling on X) a guy who would shortly thereafter get me pregnant....I remember thinking ever so briefly: "this is not going to make anything in my life better."
Needless to say, countless weekends of dropping pills with various concoctions of chemicals and hallucinogens, sleeping with a douchebag guy who I never even liked to begin with, and dancing to trance music didn't really get me anywhere other than depressed, cracked out, freakishly skinny, knocked up and an "F" in Algebra. But who's to say that having that experience...or more importantly, coming through it alive and intact...didn't contribute to my overall awareness of my own truth?
In fact, having various experiences such as this one (and those that caused me to indulge in such a way) are what have led me to dig deeper, to pull myself out of the proverbial hole I have dug, and come out on top all the wiser...if not moreso. I pride myself on the things I've experienced...those that were painful and destructive just as much as those that were healing and constructive. That is the basis for my "spirituality" I guess...seeing all of the things we experience as being one in the same...part of the same journey and equally valid.
I have to say, though, that the past year or two have been quite isolating for me because of where I stand in my process right now. The crazy thing about life is that we really do go through it alone. Most of us are lucky enough to have solid people join us at various points along the way, but for those of us to choose to venture off on our own at any point will inevitably face the reality that -eventually- the people who are in our lives (even those who are particularly close to us) will never really know us in our entirety. If we leave home, then we are fated to love and share our lives with people who didn't know us when...
It's a strange feeling.
I am an only child, so growing up I didn't have siblings to commiserate with or lean on or learn from. I consider it a gift in many ways because I feel that my forced independence has taught me to depend on myself to get through whatever life feeds me. But the people who have come into my life in the past couple of years have gotten to know a very fragmented version of me...and it can feel a bit isolating. I often feel very misunderstood.
This notion struck me suddenly several days ago when a guy who I was fortunate enough to have in my bed and in my company every so briefly, told me that he had seen me as being very innocent. Maybe some girls would smirk and swoon and feel a sense of contentment at hearing this, but it made me feel slighted, insulted, and so very alone. Needless to say, the guy wouldn't have anything on which to base his knowledge of my past, but it made me feel like I needed to justify my life experiences with a long-winded run down of the past 25 years.
I didnt subject him to it, but it left me feeling a bit hollow.
It's strange to have come out of so many years of pain and destruction...gone through an intense process of working through it all...found some peace of mind....and then be seen as being innocent, as if I had never experienced all of the things that led me to become more "together," more "mature," and more cautious.
But who do you choose to explain yourself to? Who do you choose to tell your story to so that they may better understand and appreciate you as a complete person and not just someone who has only been alive for the short period of time during which they've been in your world?
...the ones who ask, i guess.
Getting Down to Business
I suppose I should begin this by identifying myself as a person of faith.
It makes me cringe a bit to think of the immediate reaction that phrase will evoke in many people reading this (if anyone even is). Despite the common conclusion to which most people would jump when hearing a person define themselves as such, this does not mean that I am devoutly religious by any means. In fact, I find religion to be a rudimentary, human manifestation of a bigger spiritual picture. One aspect of humanity that I find to be quite frustrating is our tendency to want to place everything and everyone neatly in respective categories based on shared qualities or interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of it myself, but it is a habit I'm trying to shed as I find it quite limiting. We do it to one another, and we do it to ourselves. I find it to be particularly relevent living in a sprawling metropolis such as Los Angeles, where people seem to come, claiming to be seeking recognition as unique and distictive, but usually end up falling into a particular mold of one of the many "scenes" as a result of relentlessly trying to uphold a desired image. I'm still not sure who it is everyone is trying to impress or prove themselves to....
I suppose I see religion in the same light. I'm not one to judge or undermine the validity of any one religion (just as I'm in no position to judge any one social "scene"). Each one, in the purest form, is equally valid in principle and purpose...a means to reach a desired "end," and to understand more deeply the essence of something bigger than ourselves. But just as - in the context of social scenes - the underlying common thread is that of shared human existence, so - in the context of religions - is there an underlying common thread of spiritual existence.
As someone...undoubtedly wise in their own right...once said to define this idea in a nutshell: "Many paths, one way." Each of us is on our own journey. It is MY belief that this journey is spiritual in essence, but experienced through our unique and collective human existence. To quote yet another anonymous sage: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience." I believe our permanent, essential existence is spiritual...that we are all essentially spiritual beings, and that our human existence is temporary, impermanent, and ever-changing based on our experiences. I believe we are all entitled - furthermore, obligated - to make our own choices to define how we choose to venture on our journey as human beings. We define ourselves by the choices we make, every minute of every day. But, ultimately, it is my belief that we're all heading in the same direction...to the same ultimate goal...and it is this goal that I like to undeservingly drag down into the human vernacular by giving it the limiting name of "Truth."
It is this "Truth" that I hope to discuss, fumble around with, disect, shred, question and challenge. Ideally, I'd like for this to be a dialogue with anyone interested in chasing tails with me. I welcome criticism, questions, rebuttles, anger, agreement, disagreement....the only thing I wish to be free of in this forum is judgement. There is no room for it here. I believe it is possible, and VITAL, to discuss among ourselves, as human beings - all entitled to our own opinions, our own wisdom based on our own experiences, our own beliefs, and our own truths - within a space that holds ALL of this and is free from judgement. So this is what I am attempting to create.
It makes me cringe a bit to think of the immediate reaction that phrase will evoke in many people reading this (if anyone even is). Despite the common conclusion to which most people would jump when hearing a person define themselves as such, this does not mean that I am devoutly religious by any means. In fact, I find religion to be a rudimentary, human manifestation of a bigger spiritual picture. One aspect of humanity that I find to be quite frustrating is our tendency to want to place everything and everyone neatly in respective categories based on shared qualities or interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of it myself, but it is a habit I'm trying to shed as I find it quite limiting. We do it to one another, and we do it to ourselves. I find it to be particularly relevent living in a sprawling metropolis such as Los Angeles, where people seem to come, claiming to be seeking recognition as unique and distictive, but usually end up falling into a particular mold of one of the many "scenes" as a result of relentlessly trying to uphold a desired image. I'm still not sure who it is everyone is trying to impress or prove themselves to....
I suppose I see religion in the same light. I'm not one to judge or undermine the validity of any one religion (just as I'm in no position to judge any one social "scene"). Each one, in the purest form, is equally valid in principle and purpose...a means to reach a desired "end," and to understand more deeply the essence of something bigger than ourselves. But just as - in the context of social scenes - the underlying common thread is that of shared human existence, so - in the context of religions - is there an underlying common thread of spiritual existence.
As someone...undoubtedly wise in their own right...once said to define this idea in a nutshell: "Many paths, one way." Each of us is on our own journey. It is MY belief that this journey is spiritual in essence, but experienced through our unique and collective human existence. To quote yet another anonymous sage: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience." I believe our permanent, essential existence is spiritual...that we are all essentially spiritual beings, and that our human existence is temporary, impermanent, and ever-changing based on our experiences. I believe we are all entitled - furthermore, obligated - to make our own choices to define how we choose to venture on our journey as human beings. We define ourselves by the choices we make, every minute of every day. But, ultimately, it is my belief that we're all heading in the same direction...to the same ultimate goal...and it is this goal that I like to undeservingly drag down into the human vernacular by giving it the limiting name of "Truth."
It is this "Truth" that I hope to discuss, fumble around with, disect, shred, question and challenge. Ideally, I'd like for this to be a dialogue with anyone interested in chasing tails with me. I welcome criticism, questions, rebuttles, anger, agreement, disagreement....the only thing I wish to be free of in this forum is judgement. There is no room for it here. I believe it is possible, and VITAL, to discuss among ourselves, as human beings - all entitled to our own opinions, our own wisdom based on our own experiences, our own beliefs, and our own truths - within a space that holds ALL of this and is free from judgement. So this is what I am attempting to create.
Preface
Let me first preface this by surrendering to the possibility that I have absolutely no idea what I’m saying. In fact, that is more or less my motivation in starting this blog.
I suppose it could be said that I am one who seeks. While the object of my seeking has proven to be fluid and ever-changing, I could humbly attempt to narrow down that object to Truth. I suppose, actually, that to deem Truth an “object” is to wander blindly in a misplaced vernacular, because truth…like all those other things we, as humans, seem to go chasing after (love, power, beauty, etc)…is beyond any tangible description or realm. It is elusive and undefinable…and to seek it is much like trying to catch the wind.
But, alas, one of the wonderfully humorous naiveté’s of being human is our constant attempt to chase things we cannot see, and to understand things just slightly beyond our reach.
I suppose it could be said that I am one who seeks. While the object of my seeking has proven to be fluid and ever-changing, I could humbly attempt to narrow down that object to Truth. I suppose, actually, that to deem Truth an “object” is to wander blindly in a misplaced vernacular, because truth…like all those other things we, as humans, seem to go chasing after (love, power, beauty, etc)…is beyond any tangible description or realm. It is elusive and undefinable…and to seek it is much like trying to catch the wind.
But, alas, one of the wonderfully humorous naiveté’s of being human is our constant attempt to chase things we cannot see, and to understand things just slightly beyond our reach.
I Call A Do-Over...Again
I am impeccably skilled at starting new projects...however I seem to have misplaced my ability to finish any of them.
I have started about 5 blogs over the course of the past 5 years or so, and rather than continuing to contribute to one of them, I keep starting new ones in an attempt to "wipe the slate clean," or what have you.
So...by gathering bits and peices of previous posts from previous blogs (the ones I've actually been able to track down), this is either my final attempt to start over and actually maintain a blog.......or, it's just another great idea gone wrong.
We'll see...
I have started about 5 blogs over the course of the past 5 years or so, and rather than continuing to contribute to one of them, I keep starting new ones in an attempt to "wipe the slate clean," or what have you.
So...by gathering bits and peices of previous posts from previous blogs (the ones I've actually been able to track down), this is either my final attempt to start over and actually maintain a blog.......or, it's just another great idea gone wrong.
We'll see...
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