Mission Statement: India

I leave for India in 2 weeks, 1 day, and eleven hours...ish. That is, of course, assuming Delhi doesnt get bombed by some rampant Al Quaeda terrorists, and the Indian Embassy (or my own common sense) doesnt allow me to enter the country. But, I'm hoping for the best. This will be my first visit to a so-called "third-world" country. I think (although I'm ignorantly assuming this out of sheer and blatant cynicism toward our current administration - and therefore America as a whole) that "third-world" is a term thought up by some occidental imperialist who believes that our fine YOUNG country is clearly far more civilized than, say, a country that has existed for thousands and thousands of years. *sigh* OK, perhaps in some ways...but certainly not in the contet of culture or spirituality. America, in the shadow of these "third-world" cultures is but an adolescent, struggling through the awkward turblance of cultural growth and identity. And our pathetic excuse for a leader is the perfect projection of an adolescent - wanting to do nothing but fight, impose his ignorant views onto other out of pride, and defend his views in such a way that 98% of what comes out of his mouth is complete and utter bullshit.

Who are we to step in and literally devastate a country with an unprecidented war, and the go so far as to try to completely change the government and values of a culture we dont even come close to understanding? Assholes. That's who. American assholes.

That said, perhaps some good has come out of these tragic, mind-numbingly maddening times. For me, the only two presidential elections I have been able to vote in have yeilded 5 years of an Administration that has almost completely drained the nation of America of its trust in the government. It has brought the first act of war on US soil since the bombings at Pearl Harbor (which, for people my age is primarily visualized as a heartwarming motion picture starring Ben Affleck & Josh Hartnett). It has instilled a sense of fear and vulnerability that has sparked a flame of fiery passion in so many young (and old) Americans that so unmistakably mirrors that of the late 1960's - early 1970's when people my age grew their hair long, stood in picket lines, wore flowers in their hair, took hallucinogenic drugs and wrote some of the best music in the history of man - all to try to find an outlet for the fear and anger that surrounded them, and to find a place of hope where peace existed amid chaos, and where the people of America were, indeed, free. Free from a war we don't believe in (Vietnam or Iraq), free from a government so corrupt that our leaders get away with such blatant lies and obvious crimes right in front of our face and nobody even bats an eye anymore. Free from a world that hates us so passionately that their compassion for Americans as brothers and sisters on this earth has crumbled into spite...all because of ONE person's pride and self-interest. Free from a government who turns its back on our rapidly decreasing environmental stability, and cares for nothing green other than money. It's maddening, heart-breaking, and absolutely 100% inexcusable.

BUT...as I said...I can find one small strand of hope amid this massive cloud of destruction, and that is that the cumulative events of the past 5 years have sparked an awakening flame within me to do something - ANYTHING - that will help start the long, slow process of reversing the damage that has been done - and more importantly, to prevent any more imminent damage from allowing this nation, this world, this planet to be destroyed in any sense of the word. I see that same fire in the faces of so many people around me, and I read about it in the stories of those who lived before me. I hear it in the words and voices of musicians, both old and new. It's promising because it shows that this need to protect ourselves and our earth is one innate facet of humanity, and in our world, that is a sign of truth. There is truth in this need for change, and that is what gives us hope that it is possible.

However, not everyone sees this truth. Many are too clouded by fear (fear of change, fear of the unknown) or greed or power or ignorance. Its an age-old problem, and I certainly don't claim to have THE solution. But, for me, one solution to these parasites of human nature seems so blindingly obvious: TRAVEL.

Travel the world, and do it in whatever way or by whatever means you wish - whether it's staying in 5 star hotels or backpacking through the wilderness, just TRAVEL! But make sure you take the time to really see the world. Breathe it in - all of it, the good the bad, the ugly and the breath-taking - but make sure you don't go back home until you really feel you are a part of it. Don't allow yourself to hide from the parts that scare you (i.e. the poverty, the illness, the death). That is jsut as real as the pristine mountains and tropical beaches, if not moreso, and one does not negate the other. Just because there is poverty and death does not mean there is not also beauty and wonder. And just because there is such incredible and immense beauty in this world, does not mean there is not also pain and suffering. They are not two separate worlds. They are one...and all things exist within it regardless of one another.

"Comparisons are odious."

And once, and only once you have seen these many seemingly contradicting, yet one in the same truths that exist in this world, will you suddenly feel and understand that you are a part of it...that while you may not be directly suffering, you are a part of all the suffering in the world (and therefore part of the solution if you choose to act); and while beauty may sometimes seem far and out of reach, you are a part of that too because it's all the same. We are all one. It's overwhelming and seems complex, I know. And while I am young and do not know many things, THIS I know to be true.

So, this long-winded, scattered, and most likely incomplete proclamation is my mission statement for my relatively short and insignificant trip to India. These are at least SOME of the thoughts that fluttered through my mind incongruently in the process leading up to (as well as after) my decision to make this trip. And while I have absolutely no idea what I'll find when I do make this trip, I can only hope that some of this - and I'm sure much, much more - will continue to be true and will guide me through this journey and those to come.

J.P.M.F.Y.F.

J.P.M.F.Y.F. - by Tim Easton
(from his album "Ammunition")

Jesus, protect me...Jesus, protect me

From your father's words

Not all of them

Just the ones that turn love into fear and hatred

And the ones who say they are above me

And then point their fingers down at me

And the ones who judge me when I'm troubled

And then tell me on my street that I am lost

And they tell me on my doorstep that I will burn in Hell

Jesus, protect me...Jesus, protect me

From your father's words

Like the ones who only speak with anger

They're screaming from my television

While stealing from the hand that feeds them

And demanding that you are the only way

While spitting in the face of love

With one hand on the Bible and the other in the purse

Jesus, protect me...Jesus, protect me

From your father's words

Like the ones who turn their back on the dying

And laugh in the face of pain and suffering

They would kill in the name of freedom

Or the ones who would manipulate the constitution

And try to make laws of their opinions

While walking shoulder to shoulder with greed and violence

To the ones who would start wars in your name

To the ones who would attack me for this song

I sing Jesus, protect me...Jesus, protect me

From your father's words

Not all of them

Just the ones who turn love into fear and hatred

Home

I find myself dwelling on the idea of "home" much more frequently lately. The next 6 weeks....let alone the next 6 months....are going to yeild a great deal of change for me. Good change, for sure...but with change often comes a need to recharge and check in with "home" and all the people, places and feelings associated with it. I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate to have my "home" in such a place of beauty. I honestly can't think of any other place on earth to where I'd rather return than Marin county and our beautiful Bay Area. So much about this place just reminds me of everything I love and value and cherish in my life, and every time I return I feel as though my sense of self is somehow recharged and validated by the fulfillment I get from being home.

Home is a place where I can walk for 4 hours in the wilderness and not see a single human being. It's also a place where I can walk down the street and run into an old friend I haven't seen in years. It's where I spend hours laughing with my family, and where I'm reminded of why I love them. It's where I can spend an entire day and night on top of a mountain with an old friend and never want to come down. The sunsets are unmatched. The stars are always out. The deer and turkeys share the road with you, and the air is always fresh. You can recycle cans, bottles and paper when you're walking down the streets of Fairfax, and you can't look anywhere without seeing green.

The people - my people - are just as amazing. They care about the world both in sentiment and in action. They have passion that leads them down paths that are not only respectable, but inspirational. They defy convention and seek out happiness and success where most would never think to look. They overcome obstacles that would floor most. Most of them can out smart me in any discussion, and outwit me in any debate, but can still make me laugh until I cry. They've taught me about patience and about determination. They've taught me about compassion and about humilty. They've taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if the people around me disagree, and that there are infinite ways to reach happiness. In knowing them, I've learned how to let go of pain and how to laugh. I've learned how to love unconditionally, even if from a distance. I've learned that sometimes people find what they've been looking for all their lives when it seems like it's too late...but really it's just in time. Some of them are my teachers, some my source of laughter. Some look out for me, while others give me someone to look out for. Some I've only known for a relatively short time, others I've known longer than even they know. But in them all I've found guidance, friendship, inspiration, support, lightness of heart, love and the freedom to be myself. They are home to me, and they continue to be the pillars of meaning in my life. They are my foundation.

And since leaving home, I have continued to build upon that foundation, finding others who emulate these values and sentiments and who have become a part of what I call "home." Over the past 5 years I have met just as many amazing people who inspire me in ways others have before, as well as in ways I could never have prepared for. I have found love of a whole new depth, and laughter unparalleled. And now as I prepare to leave both places I've considered home, I feel sad but fortunate to now have TWO places to which I can return and feel as though I'm coming home.

I guess home is much more than a place, or even a series of places. It's a feeling, and a sense of belonging. A sense that you have existed somewhere, been a part of something, and felt an impact by the people and places you've come to know. And, hopefully...if you're lucky...you leave an impact as well...so when you return...even if it's years later and just for a visit...you can somehow slither back into place...and feel as though you've been there before.

Alien Nation

It's been a while since I've felt this alone. Only the last time I felt this alone, I was ACTUALLY alone. I knew no one, had no real purpose, and felt completely insignificant in any part of the world. This time it's almost the opposite. I feel overwhelmed by a sense of purpose, and a sense of obligation to the world, but I feel alone in that impulse. My life is about to change drastically in 3 short months. This life that I've built here in Los Angeles - the job I worked so hard to get, the people who have become my family, the man who I've loved for the past 2 years, and the place I've come to call home - it's all about to be gone from my reality. All of it...as it is never was. Something about that hit me tonight, for whatever reason.

Everything I've learned over the past 4 years out here...all the personal obstacles I've overcome...the sense of identity I've found within myself...the love I've found in others......it has all brought me to this point in my life where I am right now....this calling that I can't silence or deny...and I have no choice but to answer it and to move forward, even if it means leaving behind everything I've established here. It's ironic how -upon entering this city - I felt the most alone I've ever felt in my life. And now...after having felt perhaps the most accepted, confident, and loved I ever have in my life...I suddenly find myself alone again, on the brink of a new step and a new adventure.

I'm so torn between this human need to cling on to the companionship I've found here in Los Angeles - of all fucking places - and this deeper need to venture on my own path alone, and to explore everything this world and this life has to offer me.

It's a double-edged sword, this calling to live life as fully, deeply and with as much meaning as I possibly can. I feel that my life is a string of contradictions: a need to connect deeply with people who fulfill a part of me, and a need to be free of attachments and indulge in my independence and try, with abandon, to fulfill my potential as a human on this earth.

It's a lonely road, I'm finding, as so few fully understand me. I guess I can only hope that those who have will not drift too far from me as I wander.

Beat to a Pulp

Beat to a pulp

I just talked to my best friend, Joe - an ancient soul living in the body of a 21 year old college student....I'm convinced. He's probably the smartest, wisest, kindest, most genuine and noble person I know - in all the right ways. One of the very few people I've met in my life who I know I met for a reason. He has a way of finding a simple answer to even the most complex of qusetions, as if it were obvious all along. He's the kind of person you'd want ruling the world because he's patient, even-tempered, and has an all encompassing sense of inner peace - even though he may not know it yet. He's my hero.

He's been in Kenya since January, traveling around & soaking up the culture, richness, poverty, ignorace, wisdom, depth, value of Africa, or at least a small part of it. He shares my need to travel -and not just to see the world, but to feel it, experience it, soak it up, and be a part of it.

There are so many fucking people living on this planet, and it shatters me to think how few are actually doing something to really be a part of it, to really recognize the suffering that takes place on such a vast and regular basis, and to contribute - even in just a small way - to the healing that is so desperately needed just to maintain a sense of balance, let alone recovery.

I'm guilty of it. I live in one of the most polluted and jaded cities in the world, and I work in an industry that thrives on capitalistic values that are very much at the root of the cancer of society. Greed, pride, ignorance, self-interest. I'm shocked daily by people who toss aside morals that to me seem so blatantly "right" just for the sake of making a buck. "Why should we close this deal with Camel Cigarettes? Because it's a million dollar deal! Sure, I think smoking is wrong, but we need the money."

Burn in hell.

I see it killing each of us every day...the people I work with...the ones with values, at least. This sense of a void of meaning, this cloud of convolution, this complete and desperate resistance to "settle"...as Drew said so perfectly "every day it takes a little piece of my soul." It does. I need out. We all do.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That light being my impending trip to India. People keep saying that 4 months is such a long time to spend in a place like India, but to me it's nothing. How can I really see, feel, experience, learn as much as I want to in 4 short months. That's only a 3rd of a year, of many within a lifetime that so many people spend in suffering.

Even still, I need it. I need to feel something real. Sure I've experienced pain - the universal pain we all feel....the void of childhood, the loss of lovers and friends, the longing for those we know we will never have, the constant struggle to find something familiar within yourself and within another....But there's so much more. We get so wrapped up in these personal struggles - which are very real, don't get me wrong, and very necessary to a point. But they're just the tip of the iceberg of a bigger, more universal suffering of which we're all a part of, but so often fail to acknowledge.

Everyone keeps telling me to "be prepared..." "Be prepared for the poverty.....be prepared for the illness...be prepared for the ignorance, the filth, the suffering, the violence, the anger, the hate." But the truth of the matter is there's no way to prepare. All there is to do is to strip myself of expectations, of my needs, my beliefs, my values, my fear....and go. I need to allow myself to be slapped in the face, beat to a pulp, and spit out by something so blindingly real that there's nothing left of who I was before. I need for all my judgements, my hate, my insecurities to be belittled by this "bigger picture" of which I am just a mere particle, floating on a small, insignificant path. And then - and only then - will I know what's real, what's true, what's right within my own mind and heart, and what part I'm meant to play in this big, cyclical game of life.

Or not.....we'll see.

Individualism

"...I said to myself, 'I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me...shapes and ideas so near to me...so natural to my way of being and thinking that it hasn't occurred to me to put them down.' I decided to start anew - to strip away what I had been taught - to accept as true my own thinking."

-Georgia O'Keeffe

Why I Love My Job

An Ode To Trigger (By Shirley Wong)

Trigger took off for London
She was off to see Big Ben
For days and days she left us
We were lost without our friend
Without The Trig to bug us
We could finally get work done
But how we dearly missed her so
Cuz we love that giant smelly ho

And as this story continues
Before she crossed the pond
Trig couldn't help but do it
She called out Bass and Wong
Don't lay a finger on my cube
Don't you even dare
But what kind of friends were we
If we didn't show we cared?

So welcome to the jungle
No fun 'n games today
Get your ass to work, Trig
Blackline was due yesterday!