Alien Nation

It's been a while since I've felt this alone. Only the last time I felt this alone, I was ACTUALLY alone. I knew no one, had no real purpose, and felt completely insignificant in any part of the world. This time it's almost the opposite. I feel overwhelmed by a sense of purpose, and a sense of obligation to the world, but I feel alone in that impulse. My life is about to change drastically in 3 short months. This life that I've built here in Los Angeles - the job I worked so hard to get, the people who have become my family, the man who I've loved for the past 2 years, and the place I've come to call home - it's all about to be gone from my reality. All of it...as it is never was. Something about that hit me tonight, for whatever reason.

Everything I've learned over the past 4 years out here...all the personal obstacles I've overcome...the sense of identity I've found within myself...the love I've found in others......it has all brought me to this point in my life where I am right now....this calling that I can't silence or deny...and I have no choice but to answer it and to move forward, even if it means leaving behind everything I've established here. It's ironic how -upon entering this city - I felt the most alone I've ever felt in my life. And now...after having felt perhaps the most accepted, confident, and loved I ever have in my life...I suddenly find myself alone again, on the brink of a new step and a new adventure.

I'm so torn between this human need to cling on to the companionship I've found here in Los Angeles - of all fucking places - and this deeper need to venture on my own path alone, and to explore everything this world and this life has to offer me.

It's a double-edged sword, this calling to live life as fully, deeply and with as much meaning as I possibly can. I feel that my life is a string of contradictions: a need to connect deeply with people who fulfill a part of me, and a need to be free of attachments and indulge in my independence and try, with abandon, to fulfill my potential as a human on this earth.

It's a lonely road, I'm finding, as so few fully understand me. I guess I can only hope that those who have will not drift too far from me as I wander.